dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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