you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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