Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
They have beer where we have blood.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
