so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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