dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Randomize
