We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
