lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
