mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
