I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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