I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
third nipple confirmed
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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