none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
