last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
