She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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