I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
