He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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