3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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