Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
