mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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