i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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