could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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