Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize