im about as happy as oj after his trial
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
