New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize