Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
