There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
another moral hangover. fuck.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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