Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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