so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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