When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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