Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
