Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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