Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
