I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
