bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
