I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
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