My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
