just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
