i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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