Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
