The strip club called, they have your shoe.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
