You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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