the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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