i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
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