Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
