went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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