fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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