I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize