dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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