I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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