remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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