i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
