And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
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