My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
