omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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