We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
