I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
