Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
