I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
