Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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