Sorry, I don't speak sober.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
