Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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