My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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