yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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